So I've learned how to fight
February has gone, March is here. Why. I won't say February was that great a month. Neither will I say it wasn't, dare I?
So after almost a whole month, two events have gone by. Investiture didn't really sink in so well, maybe because I wasn't focused enough or I just chose not to 'enter' the 'world' my fellow mates were getting themselves into. I guess I thought one year was enough. The effort, the time, the bonding, the screaming, the cheering. And boo on my part, I was so wrong. Waay wrong. Honestly, I didn't commit as much compared to last year. Though things in 05 were rushed out, practise went on all day. Still, we enjoyed the process, had fun and we bonded. I suppose that's how it is when we reach sec 4. Having so many different individuals carry so many different responsibilities now. All the hustle and bustle to meetings with committees or teachers. I've never actually seen my cohort this, busy. Could tell that people were farely disappointed, especially the sec 4s because they were in the audience last year too. Well, the respective boards did their best. We did our best.
Fiesta, was a blast. The one thing I can truly smile about :) Mrs Tian's wonderful kachang puteh and muruku! I loved the spot we were given for our stall. We got a nice little tent we could call our own, under our heads. We had beautifully made signs which totally did the advertising for us. And we had the fitness corner behind our tent to relax and have fun before the real sales actually began! It was a short time of bliss for me. Time with my class, just spending time together was enough for me. Even in the midst of preparations the day before! It was a rather cool time. Well spent I must say. For example, painting boxes green and black with Gwen, Nicole, Kate, Shihui in the balcony. And from then, waging war of the paint and MOMO (yes nicole?) I'll try to get the album up soon, so you'll get to see what Fiesta@StNicks was like! Am really proud of four hope's class tee :) So it says: "It's not my fault, four hope is hot!" Coolest I've seen :D Mrs Tian's was better! Her's says: "It's not my fault, four hope thinks I'm hot!" Like yayness, my form teacher will be in that shirt :D Oh, sec 4 is such an exciting year. Except, my sec 4 year has an extra dose of extra sweet sweetness and I love it :)
So there's sports day left and the mad rush will be coming our way once school reopens. Go Blue! It's going to be a majorly exciting year because here comes Bollywood Blue :) And I still remember last year's pick up line. It was and still is my favourite. You happy, I happy, We all happy! That satisfies. Thanks Rui, for being such a great captain. Your committee's right behind you! Oh the fun days in St Nicks.
So much for the happy moments. This week, meaning the holidays, turned out rather bad if I might say. Just monday, I came home all cheery and looking forward to the week. I even got into bed at 9pm, check that again. 9pm. The worst thing had to happen :( I threw up. Thank you God, for making me fall sick. For granting
me rest when I needed it. And for letting me know that I need to rest when I must. No sarcasm here alright. Fever bogged me down the whole of Tuesday, which kept me in bed all day. Someone tell me what bed-ridden feels like again, ack. Tell me never, I mean never, to suffer from stomach flu again. I missed the chinese mock prelim paper, the NE trip, training and most of all, PMB camp :( My last and final PMB camp and I'm not there. That pained my heart quite a bit, really. Jenny and Si Jia, thanks for keeping me company. I was rather cheered up by Si Jia's messages :) Anyhow, what's missed, is missed. I can only wait to hear from my fellow mates what took place and all that.
Enough of whining and all that stuff. I guess this week was rather bitter for me. The fact that I was missing out on events, that I was missing out on my friends. I've not been able to spend much time with my family either. Parents have got to work and my brother, has been walking out the door whenever he woke. But a little quality time with myself wasn't so bad. I couldn't do any work, or anything for that matter of fact. I was either on the couch or in Nicky's room, on the bed, sleeping. Well see, my air-conditioner died on me weeks ago and I had to bunk in Nicky's for a few days. Hence, explaining why my bed's there and not in my own room. Today's thursday (okay, Friday) and I finally am well enough to do some work. Have got a lot more left undone so good luck to me.
I returned to my room Wednesday night and am I glad to be back. Not that Nicky's room isn't great. But I realised, whenever something happens and when it keeps me out of my room, I just leave my room in a complete mess? I dump things all over the place and all my clothes on the bed. Rather unusual of me. Being back in here, feels like I'm back in my comfort zone. My own little private space, where I can return to everyday after a long day of school. It could never feel better or more comfortable. I've really got lots to catch up on. Other things besides just school work. I need to catch up with my essential. God, tawg, and Him. Just Him. I've not spent time with Him in a long while. For the first in quite awhile, I felt Him beside me.
Vanessa told me something over the weekends and it struck me hard. The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything. I felt so much power in that. Whether it's a problem I can't solve, or it's an emotional thing, the shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the ground. I almost cracked. A jolt in the face, it woke me up. Yet I returned home, feeling a sense of uneasiness. I struggled with it. I prayed for it to go away, yet it clung on. I had Corrinne May's Let It Go and Carrie Underwood's Jesus Take The Wheel on repeat for, days. I finally made some sense out of myself. Sometimes, people need to grasp the true meaning of songs and what they bring. Lyrics for instance, I actually read through lyrics and sometimes even meditate on them. Then I realise, they do mean something.
I think we've been here before, I recognize this place. I've seen the marks of confusion wipe out a single sign of grace. And I don't want to play anymore, not when the stakes are so high. So before we circle round once more, I'm gonna lay down, lay down my pride.
Let it go, let it be. Don't waste all your emotion on this tit-for-tat machine. Let it go, let it be, Let it go.
And this one's truly from the heart God.
And for the first time in a long time, she bowed her head to pray. She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life. I know I've got to change so from now on tonight,
Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands Cause I can't do this all my own. I'm letting go so give me one more chance, To save me from this road I'm on.
Anger, something I always refrained from. Something I dislike, very much. Because I remember someone told me this and it stuck inside my heart. "Being angry on the inside, is like committing spiritual murder." I usually get angry inside, when I'm at home. Times when either Mom or Dad says something that I can't take, or worse still, when results come home to them. I won't deny. I'm someone who doesn't show anger, not that much at least. I got angry inside today, and I fought that anger down. Blame the bitterness of everything, but I had no right to get angry. Petty me, always wanting everything as I like. Not even bothering about why others need to do things this way, rather than the other way. Being angry feels really bad, that I realised today.
All I remember is seeing a page of black, white and red. With all my prayers to God and my thoughts. He has seen it all, but you haven't. And I don't suppose my heart's ready to say yes in letting you read them. Indeed, closure. Not of which you know of but, maybe you do. The end was right, there. I'm sorry for having it all end so abruptly. And I'm sorry for not giving the time and the chance to sum it all up nicely. But I don't think there's a need for any of that now. I've had too much a flow of bitterness for now, time to let it go. Like I always told myself, "Let Go, Let God." You probably don't understand why and it's really selfish of me not to tell you but I can't find the right way, right mindset and attitude to do so. Let's get on, move on and pick up our lives from here? And I thought it was going to be easy. I thought wrong. I laugh at myself for making it sound so soothing, so easy. Because I know it isn't, I've gone through it for my own and I've tasted true bitterness of the soul, literally. Please forgive me too. I know I said I'll be there when you need someone, when you don't have the rest of them. Then I guess I'd have to tell you why all these are coming from me. Time has taken a lot out of us and I'm okay with that.
All I've left for you is, I'm sorry.
Someone choke me, help me learn to die before I live.
Something to lighten up the mood, I hope. And I pray :(
Thanks for the pretty flower xueting.
And thank you Gwen and Michelle.
Please be happy like the pretty sunflower.
Photos: Fiesta@StNicks
I think I've gone blind. Even if I haven't, it sure feels like it. What's a big mountain, a wide, deep valley and a small mountain trying to tell me? God, the mike's all Yours. My speakers are on full blast.
Alright, maybe people like (yours truly) simply think too much. And maybe I desperately need to find some entertainment, or a hobby, or some people, or just someone, anyone. I think the past week of being cooped up at home alone has really got to me. Now I hear my spirit crying out for help. I was almost on the verge of barging out of that door, but I knew I couldn't. Because I was down for three days and I obviously had to salvage my work over the past two days. The word bound, is really getting to me.
Please God, please. Finish what was started. Don't leave me dangling here. I know there are Reasons, reasons that make perfect sense. You make all the sense in the world but I can't seem to make any sense out of, me? The sky fell on the big mountain, the deep and wide valley and the small mountain. Just like that. Now, what was that all about. Don't leave me to think further, because I've gone far enough. My mind has had it, it has had enough.
I'm terribly sorry but I think this blog's going down soon. Once I leave it here, my thoughts will all spill out in a single entry like that. Great, what's with the low self-esteem now. Why am I living up to what the world calls me to be. Why and what, how. Sometimes not thinking really does do wonders for a person. Especially for a person like me. I've really proven myself an extreme feeler, and extreme introvert. Those who need to laugh, go ahead. But I'm not compromising on who I am. Sorry to disappoint. What is with this entry. Blogger should have a major hard drive break down, just like Diary-x. So this is what a blog is for, for everything to completely spill out of a person. This entry has proved it all. This is natalie for you people. Goodbye.
So after almost a whole month, two events have gone by. Investiture didn't really sink in so well, maybe because I wasn't focused enough or I just chose not to 'enter' the 'world' my fellow mates were getting themselves into. I guess I thought one year was enough. The effort, the time, the bonding, the screaming, the cheering. And boo on my part, I was so wrong. Waay wrong. Honestly, I didn't commit as much compared to last year. Though things in 05 were rushed out, practise went on all day. Still, we enjoyed the process, had fun and we bonded. I suppose that's how it is when we reach sec 4. Having so many different individuals carry so many different responsibilities now. All the hustle and bustle to meetings with committees or teachers. I've never actually seen my cohort this, busy. Could tell that people were farely disappointed, especially the sec 4s because they were in the audience last year too. Well, the respective boards did their best. We did our best.
Fiesta, was a blast. The one thing I can truly smile about :) Mrs Tian's wonderful kachang puteh and muruku! I loved the spot we were given for our stall. We got a nice little tent we could call our own, under our heads. We had beautifully made signs which totally did the advertising for us. And we had the fitness corner behind our tent to relax and have fun before the real sales actually began! It was a short time of bliss for me. Time with my class, just spending time together was enough for me. Even in the midst of preparations the day before! It was a rather cool time. Well spent I must say. For example, painting boxes green and black with Gwen, Nicole, Kate, Shihui in the balcony. And from then, waging war of the paint and MOMO (yes nicole?) I'll try to get the album up soon, so you'll get to see what Fiesta@StNicks was like! Am really proud of four hope's class tee :) So it says: "It's not my fault, four hope is hot!" Coolest I've seen :D Mrs Tian's was better! Her's says: "It's not my fault, four hope thinks I'm hot!" Like yayness, my form teacher will be in that shirt :D Oh, sec 4 is such an exciting year. Except, my sec 4 year has an extra dose of extra sweet sweetness and I love it :)
So there's sports day left and the mad rush will be coming our way once school reopens. Go Blue! It's going to be a majorly exciting year because here comes Bollywood Blue :) And I still remember last year's pick up line. It was and still is my favourite. You happy, I happy, We all happy! That satisfies. Thanks Rui, for being such a great captain. Your committee's right behind you! Oh the fun days in St Nicks.
So much for the happy moments. This week, meaning the holidays, turned out rather bad if I might say. Just monday, I came home all cheery and looking forward to the week. I even got into bed at 9pm, check that again. 9pm. The worst thing had to happen :( I threw up. Thank you God, for making me fall sick. For granting
me rest when I needed it. And for letting me know that I need to rest when I must. No sarcasm here alright. Fever bogged me down the whole of Tuesday, which kept me in bed all day. Someone tell me what bed-ridden feels like again, ack. Tell me never, I mean never, to suffer from stomach flu again. I missed the chinese mock prelim paper, the NE trip, training and most of all, PMB camp :( My last and final PMB camp and I'm not there. That pained my heart quite a bit, really. Jenny and Si Jia, thanks for keeping me company. I was rather cheered up by Si Jia's messages :) Anyhow, what's missed, is missed. I can only wait to hear from my fellow mates what took place and all that.
Enough of whining and all that stuff. I guess this week was rather bitter for me. The fact that I was missing out on events, that I was missing out on my friends. I've not been able to spend much time with my family either. Parents have got to work and my brother, has been walking out the door whenever he woke. But a little quality time with myself wasn't so bad. I couldn't do any work, or anything for that matter of fact. I was either on the couch or in Nicky's room, on the bed, sleeping. Well see, my air-conditioner died on me weeks ago and I had to bunk in Nicky's for a few days. Hence, explaining why my bed's there and not in my own room. Today's thursday (okay, Friday) and I finally am well enough to do some work. Have got a lot more left undone so good luck to me.
I returned to my room Wednesday night and am I glad to be back. Not that Nicky's room isn't great. But I realised, whenever something happens and when it keeps me out of my room, I just leave my room in a complete mess? I dump things all over the place and all my clothes on the bed. Rather unusual of me. Being back in here, feels like I'm back in my comfort zone. My own little private space, where I can return to everyday after a long day of school. It could never feel better or more comfortable. I've really got lots to catch up on. Other things besides just school work. I need to catch up with my essential. God, tawg, and Him. Just Him. I've not spent time with Him in a long while. For the first in quite awhile, I felt Him beside me.
Vanessa told me something over the weekends and it struck me hard. The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything. I felt so much power in that. Whether it's a problem I can't solve, or it's an emotional thing, the shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the ground. I almost cracked. A jolt in the face, it woke me up. Yet I returned home, feeling a sense of uneasiness. I struggled with it. I prayed for it to go away, yet it clung on. I had Corrinne May's Let It Go and Carrie Underwood's Jesus Take The Wheel on repeat for, days. I finally made some sense out of myself. Sometimes, people need to grasp the true meaning of songs and what they bring. Lyrics for instance, I actually read through lyrics and sometimes even meditate on them. Then I realise, they do mean something.
I think we've been here before, I recognize this place. I've seen the marks of confusion wipe out a single sign of grace. And I don't want to play anymore, not when the stakes are so high. So before we circle round once more, I'm gonna lay down, lay down my pride.
Let it go, let it be. Don't waste all your emotion on this tit-for-tat machine. Let it go, let it be, Let it go.
And this one's truly from the heart God.
And for the first time in a long time, she bowed her head to pray. She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life. I know I've got to change so from now on tonight,
Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands Cause I can't do this all my own. I'm letting go so give me one more chance, To save me from this road I'm on.
Anger, something I always refrained from. Something I dislike, very much. Because I remember someone told me this and it stuck inside my heart. "Being angry on the inside, is like committing spiritual murder." I usually get angry inside, when I'm at home. Times when either Mom or Dad says something that I can't take, or worse still, when results come home to them. I won't deny. I'm someone who doesn't show anger, not that much at least. I got angry inside today, and I fought that anger down. Blame the bitterness of everything, but I had no right to get angry. Petty me, always wanting everything as I like. Not even bothering about why others need to do things this way, rather than the other way. Being angry feels really bad, that I realised today.
All I remember is seeing a page of black, white and red. With all my prayers to God and my thoughts. He has seen it all, but you haven't. And I don't suppose my heart's ready to say yes in letting you read them. Indeed, closure. Not of which you know of but, maybe you do. The end was right, there. I'm sorry for having it all end so abruptly. And I'm sorry for not giving the time and the chance to sum it all up nicely. But I don't think there's a need for any of that now. I've had too much a flow of bitterness for now, time to let it go. Like I always told myself, "Let Go, Let God." You probably don't understand why and it's really selfish of me not to tell you but I can't find the right way, right mindset and attitude to do so. Let's get on, move on and pick up our lives from here? And I thought it was going to be easy. I thought wrong. I laugh at myself for making it sound so soothing, so easy. Because I know it isn't, I've gone through it for my own and I've tasted true bitterness of the soul, literally. Please forgive me too. I know I said I'll be there when you need someone, when you don't have the rest of them. Then I guess I'd have to tell you why all these are coming from me. Time has taken a lot out of us and I'm okay with that.
All I've left for you is, I'm sorry.
Someone choke me, help me learn to die before I live.
Something to lighten up the mood, I hope. And I pray :(
Thanks for the pretty flower xueting.
And thank you Gwen and Michelle.
Please be happy like the pretty sunflower.
Photos: Fiesta@StNicks
I think I've gone blind. Even if I haven't, it sure feels like it. What's a big mountain, a wide, deep valley and a small mountain trying to tell me? God, the mike's all Yours. My speakers are on full blast.
Alright, maybe people like (yours truly) simply think too much. And maybe I desperately need to find some entertainment, or a hobby, or some people, or just someone, anyone. I think the past week of being cooped up at home alone has really got to me. Now I hear my spirit crying out for help. I was almost on the verge of barging out of that door, but I knew I couldn't. Because I was down for three days and I obviously had to salvage my work over the past two days. The word bound, is really getting to me.
Please God, please. Finish what was started. Don't leave me dangling here. I know there are Reasons, reasons that make perfect sense. You make all the sense in the world but I can't seem to make any sense out of, me? The sky fell on the big mountain, the deep and wide valley and the small mountain. Just like that. Now, what was that all about. Don't leave me to think further, because I've gone far enough. My mind has had it, it has had enough.
I'm terribly sorry but I think this blog's going down soon. Once I leave it here, my thoughts will all spill out in a single entry like that. Great, what's with the low self-esteem now. Why am I living up to what the world calls me to be. Why and what, how. Sometimes not thinking really does do wonders for a person. Especially for a person like me. I've really proven myself an extreme feeler, and extreme introvert. Those who need to laugh, go ahead. But I'm not compromising on who I am. Sorry to disappoint. What is with this entry. Blogger should have a major hard drive break down, just like Diary-x. So this is what a blog is for, for everything to completely spill out of a person. This entry has proved it all. This is natalie for you people. Goodbye.
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